BIG BROTHER – 7/8/11

Written by:
Scott Ottersen
Email: ScottOttersen@yahoo.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/ScottOttersen

First off, let me get the introduction out of the way. My name is Scott Ottersen. I’m from a suburb of Chicago, IL (yeah, like Keith). I’m 30 (well, I will be next month), married to my high school sweetheart, have an incredibly gorgeous 17 month old daughter, work a thankless job, and owe it to my sister-in-law, Jacklyn for you reading this very blog right now. I have wasted away the past 7 or 8 years of my life watching all types of reality TV (funny, but that’s how long I’ve been together, officially, with my wife), but I have to say that Big Brother is my favorite competition reality show on TV right now, or ever. It is my dream to, one day, be on the show (and easily win), but for right now I’ll settle with writing about it. So enjoy.

The season starts off with the Chenbot opening the show with her wonderful monologue about how dynamic duos have been a big part of the past and will be present this season. But, we live in the day and age of the internet, so anybody that watches Big Brother already knew that “duos” from seasons past would be returning to the Big Brother house for another opportunity to win it all. For all those who like Julie Chen as a host, I’m sorry but you won’t find any love here. I actually find her kind of dull and emotionless. But, when you’re married to the President of CBS, you tend to be able to suck at your job and still keep it. Rumors of her and Les Moonves having a relationship date back to 2000 when Big Brother 1 aired and a lot of people wanted a change in hosting. Yet, Moonves backed his woman (as any smart man would) and they’ve stuck with her ever since.

But, I digress. The “Big Brother Voice” announces that there are 52 cameras and 95 microphones inside the Big Brother house, ready to capture every movement and sound the Big Brother contestants make. And, that is why people pay the big bucks for the live feeds. You don’t miss a thing that these people do. Sh*t, shower, shave, sexy time, we see it all. And I love this show for it.

Julie lets us know that 8 players will be forced to pick partners and 3 former pairs will enter the house to make 14 contestants for this season. They show some of the possible contestants and I’m just praying that Dan isn’t one of them. I don’t need him yelling in his diary room confessionals anymore. It’s bad enough that bastard already won his season, I don’t need to be reminded of how much I despise him for a whole nother season.

And, now we meet the 8 new players…

First, we meet Dom, who is 25 and still lives with his mom. He rides a crotch rocket and thinks he’s cool. Key word there is thinks.

Next up is Cassi, from Nashville, TN. Um, good Lord, I think I don’t even know what to say here. My wife recently asked me to tell her some celebrity crushes I have…well, honey, her name is Cassi Colvin, she’s 26, and I spend all day talking to people from her hometown at my day job. I don’t even think I heard anything else that she said. I wasn’t fond of her voice, but again, I wasn’t so much paying attention to anything coming out of her mouth.

Unfortunately, the camera left Cassi and moved on to Lawon. He goes on to tell us that if “they” want him to be gay, he’ll be gay or if they want him to be straight, he’ll be straight. Listen, whatever plan you have to make the other contestants think you’re straight, just fold it right now. Not going to work.

After Lawon “felt bold” all over my big screen TV, we met Keith, who is from Bolingbrook, IL, which is the hometown of my beautiful wife. We rewinded to see what church he was a minister at, but after looking it up, it’s not in Bolingbrook. But, what do you all care, you’re not from my area. He’s a minister at a church and I kind of feel let down by that. I don’t know why, but I do. It’s not anything against religion (I’m Baptist, too), but maybe it’s just religion mixed with Big Brother I don’t like. Again, I don’t know. And, I digress.

Next we find ourselves meeting Shelly, who is Vice President of something or other for some outdoor type company. I’m sure the company consists of her and 3 other people, but then again she is from Louisiana and I guess the outdoorsman lifestyle befits some people down there. On a positive note, I get a semi-smart vibe from her and I think, if she plays it right, she’ll go far in the game. Although, recently, this has become a young person game, so she has that working against her.

Adam headbangs his way onto our screens next, and this Heavy Metal, 90210-loving, Apple Martini drinking “man” from New Jersey seems a bit out of place. I’m not sure those three things go together, but then again I watch the new 90210 and actually enjoy it most of the time, so who the hell am I to talk?

The “Real life Carrie from Sex and the City” is our next introductee (I’m not even sure that’s a word, but yeah I just wrote it). Her name is Kalia and she’s a relationship blogger. She probably blogs mostly about how guys bail after the first date after not believing the picture she sent of herself was an accuate depiction. Doesn’t she seem like the type that has that one good picture of herself that she uses as her go-to picture to send to guys she’s meeting online, only to have them show up and do a double take as to say “Really….you’re Kalia?” I’m not saying she’s the ugliest girl in the world, but she’s uglier than Shelly. Take that however you like.

Last, but definitely not least is Porsche. A VIP Cocktail Waitress. Seriously? This is the second year in a row Big Brother has a “VIP Cocktail Waitress” on the show. Is that really even a job? Aren’t you still just a waitress at a bar? Just because your bar has a VIP section in it doesn’t mean you can call yourself a VIP Cocktail Waitress. Look, I’m only saying this because I’m bitter. I really do wish I was born a beautiful girl who can skate through life on her face and t*ts, pouring drinks for rich men who think they have a chance to sleep with me. I admit it, Porsche, ok, you have a better life than I do. But, don’t pretend that is your actual job title.

All of them have been told they are on the show and have 1 hour to pack their bag and leave. The thing that sticks out the most from this montage is Kalia talking about loving sex and how there is always sex in the house. Uh, sorry, it won’t be you this year, Kalia. Except if you count sex with yourself. I guess I’d watch that. Only because I’m blogging about it, of course.