BIG BROTHER – 7/8/11

Julie introduces the 8 houseguests to each other, and promises it is the first time they are seeing each other. I still find this hard to believe after 13 seasons, but whatever, not like I care. Porsche, Dom, Lawon, and Shelly are moving in first, and in her diary session, Shelly calls out “Porsche sounds like a stripper name…” Hey, Shelly said it, I didn’t. There is a strip club in Chicago called VIPs. Maybe there is one in Miami, as well. That would explain the “VIP” and “C*ck” part of her job title.

After ogling the house for a little while, the 8 “newbies” sit down, have a drink, and introduce themselves to each other. Keith goes first and decides to lie about being religious and says he’s a professional matchmaker. His strategy is to make him seem like someone the women can come to. Yeah, Keith, like they are going to come to you to try and be hooked up with someone else in the house. After that intro, Adam confesses that he’s a metalhead that loves Beverly Hills, 90210. Smooth. Still, looking at Adam, you’re not going to see the soft, 90210 side. He still comes off aggressive and I’m fairly certain the women are put off by him, Brandon Walsh and Martinis aside. Kalia says she’s 27, yet kinda looks 40ish. Keith says that he likes her “puppies” (breasts) and proves even more why I probably don’t like him. And, calling her breasts “puppies” is very Minister-like, wouldn’t you say? I’m sure the great Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. would approve. Porsche exclaims that she’s attracted to Dom, who introduced himself next. She likes men of ethnicity. I didn’t see that one coming. Lawon busts out that he likes to make up nicknames for people and I seriously can’t wait to hear these. I’m a nickname kind of guy, myself, so I’ll be the judge of just how great he is. I’m hoping he’s good, though, because I love a good nickname. Cassi decided to lie about being a model. Seriously, I don’t care what she does. She could not talk the entire time she’s on the show. I just hope the production crew is being paid extra for each second they show her on the screen.

After another commercial break (thank God for DVR and not watching them), the Chenbot explains the first twist of the season to the 8 newbies, that they are being forced to choose a partner to play the game with. And, that when one person wins HOH, their partner is safe from elimination and instead of placing two people up for eviction, they will nominate 1 duo, and then that duo will have to campaign against each other to stay in the house. I actually like this twist. It will make the dynamics between duos very interesting and will still allow for gameplay outside the initial duo alliances, making other friendships inside the house very important since each person still gets a vote for eviction.

Keith stands up right away and shuns Kalia’s puppies as his partner and goes right for the stripp…er, I mean VIP Cocktail Waitress (who DEFINITELY lied about her occupation to everyone and said she was a student) Porsche. She reluctantly accepted. Dom, ever the person I’m growing to like proclaims in his diary session, “Keith, you’re an idiot. You’re not picking a prom date.” Cassi and Shelly team together (instantly my favorite duo, smartest move Shelly could have made…wait, did I just compliment Shelly when Cassi was involved). Adam and Dom are a duo (and Dom just became my favorite male houseguest with this description of Adam, “Loud, crazy martini sipping bacon eater.” That is something I would say. And, lastly, we have Lawon and Kalia, which definitely does not make Kalia a happy girl, since “by default,” she says, she’s partnered with the loud and boisterous personality in a game where its best suited for you to lay low. Probably true, but I hate to say it, Kalia, you were defaulted Lawon for a reason. The other players basically told you they didn’t want either of you on their team, which probably meant they would have gotten rid of you first or second, anyways, laying low or not.

Then, Julie tells them that they aren’t the only pairs playing the game. Then, a cute scene where the 8 of them promise to stick together and be an alliance of 8, all of which lasts about 15 seconds when Kalia starts complaining to Porsche about her teammate. But, their conversation was cut short by a doorbell…

…and in walks Rachel and Brendon from last season. First thought, hell yes, now it’s the war of the VIP Cocktail Waitresses!! Masters of mind going at it. Who can pour the best shot and stick it between their breasts the fastest without spilling a drop. These are the questions that decide a Big Brother champion. And, these are the questions we’ll have answered this season. I can’t wait.

Oh, and Rachel and Brendon are engaged. You care? No. Didn’t think so. Brendon cried when he proposed. You surprised? No. Didn’t think so.

Another doorbell…and in walk sweethearts Jeff and Jordan. Probably one of my favorite contestants (Jeff) and one of the most undeserving winners (Jordan, other than Dan, of course). She won’t be winning again. And, Jeff won’t either. But, it will be fun watching these two love birds again. I enjoyed them on their past season, and again on Amazing Race. Let’s hope for another Technotronics moment out of these two.

Another doorbell…who could it be…it’s Dick & Danielle. Man, I LOVED Evel Dick being an a-hole on his season. I wouldn’t like him in real life, but for Big Brother purposes, I loved him! And, I love the fact that he won, too. Great game play on his part during his season, mostly because the rest of the players were morons. I didn’t care much for Danielle, but I think part of that was because we didn’t get to see the “real” her because she was stuck in the house with her father, who she obviously still hates, seeing the look on her face in their joint diary session. I thought my wife had a stomach-dropping “look,” but Danielle’s actually almost got me to tinkle in my pants. It’s no surprise that they haven’t spoken in 3 years, which is about the amount of time since they were last on the show together.