Written by:
Scott Ottersen
Email: ScottOttersen@yahoo.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/ScottOttersen
You’ll have to excuse my length here. Recapping two episodes takes a lot of breath out of me and nearly 5,000 words. So, print this out and take it into the bathroom with you. But, definitely don’t think of me while you do your business. I don’t need that on my conscience.
I want to start off with a quick sidebar. Dear CBS, you need to step your f*cking game up! I have seen Cassi wear about 8 different bikinis on the live feeds (not to mention Porsche and her purple bikini) and you have all but shown about 3 seconds of her in one on the TV episodes? Listen, get your ass in gear and give America (me) what they want already! I’m not kidding. Dead f*cking serious here.
I thought I’d start off this blog with a few things I’ve learned from the live feeds so far this season:
First thing I learned from the live feeds is that Cassi smokes. Damn. You’re going to have to quit if we’re going to work as a couple, Cassi dear.
Cassi has breast implants. I’m not against breast implants one bit.
Jeff & Kalia got into an argument about the Dumbledore character (from the Harry Potter books/movies) being homosexual. Listen, I read those books religiously and that is saying something because I HAAAAAAAAAATE reading! I didn’t know this ‘fact.’ I looked it up and it appears that JK Rowling (the author of the Harry Potter series and Kajillionaire) made a statement at a Q&A session that Dumbledore was “actually gay.” I think it’s one thing to write a character actually being gay and another to write 7 books and make 8 movies without any such innuendo and then come out and say it in response to a question asked from some reporter. I never once got the impression that Dumbledore was gay, so I don’t understand why it’s a big deal that the author of the book came out and said he was. If you’re going to make a character gay, make it known. This is just as dumb to me as the choreographers on So You Think You Can Dance giving us the background “story” of their dances before the duo performs. Look, two people popping and locking around the stage that has one simple tree on it doesn’t show to me that they are on a first date in a park and the guy is trying to kiss the girl for the first time. If I had tried to pop and lock on mine & my wife’s first date, I’m fairly 100% certain there wouldn’t have been any kissing going on, or a second date for that matter.
One more thing I thought was funny was Jeff talking to Adam and a few other people about making up an alliance name. I like that this has now become the norm, but also think it’s going a little overboard and happen to think this is one of those things the Producers make the contestants do. But, I digress. Anyways, Adam asks what the name should be and Jeff drops the gem, “Jeff’s Jerkoffs.” F*cking perfect. This is why Jeff is on Big Brother. As for the rest of these flubs, I can’t understand how the CBS Casting department keeps their jobs. Cassi is cute. Dom is funny. But, seriously, Kalia? She’s the best person you found that applied? Keith is an idiot. You didn’t learn that from the hundreds of minutes you spent talking with him during the casting process? Even Lawon has been lame this season after all that firecracker talk in his introduction. I can’t understand how these people get chosen year after year and seem to be the people who LEAST deserve to be on a show like Big Brother. Again, CBS, you need me. Pick me, dammit.
Oh…one last tidbit I learned (not from live feeds) is that Janelle (of Big Brother “fame”) worked as a VIP Cocktail Waitress at the same club Porsche does now. Seriously? Am I being f*cking punk’d right now?
Ok, onto the episode. But first, 5 minutes of recap of the previous happenings in the house. Thanks, CBS. I completely forgot who Rachel nominated and what they all said about it after it happened.
Keith is a complete dipsh*t. I am giving myself a pat on the back for seeing that I wouldn’t like him before he even started talking game this season. He still believes The Regulators are going to save him this week. But, giving intelligence even less of a name, he gets upset when he sees Porsche “sneaking” up to talk to the vets in the HOH room! Seriously, Keith, did she really sneak up there in the middle of the afternoon while you stood 20 feet away from her? It’s not like she army-crawled up the steps in the pitch blackness of night. She walked up the stairs with a drink in her hand. Great detective work, asschump.
Porsche, being the ever-brilliant game player she is (another great casting job by CBS..obviously she did every interview in her bikini) went and talked to the vets about how she felt crappy about being nominated and didn’t think she’d be nominated first with the deal she made with Dick. I feel stupider even writing about it, so let’s just leave it alone. Brendon, being the ever-genius that he is, talked “sense” into her. I’ll leave it at that.
I’ve been trying to figure out if Daniele looks better as a blonde or brunette. I never thought she was all that attractive as a blonde, still don’t think she’s super attractive as a brunette, but I am thinking brunette, but a little lighter than what she is at right now. I will say this though; she doesn’t look too bad in a bikini.
CBS, probably realizing their mistake in casting, gave us a “Porsche is an idiot” montage with all the houseguests taking their moment to talk about how she doesn’t understand what is going on. But, they gave us a glimpse of her in her purple bikini, which is what they should have showed the entire time with everyone’s comments being a voiceover. Do you need me to do your job, CBS?
Keith & Dom do a “Victory Dance,” which was lame and quite Dumbledore-ish, if you ask me. Keith talks about his plan to throw the veto and just falls deeper into the dense hole he’ll never get out of. And, he did all of this with some sort of white pimple cream on the side of his face. At least I hope it was pimple cream. I still can’t understand why he is so amped about being nominated and wanting to keep the nominations the same. He still only has 3 votes with his Regulators alliance AND he’s making the case that Porsche is working with the vets, which should tell him that she has all of their votes. Plus, he goes and calls out Kalia for talking to the vets, which I’m sure helped shore up her vote for him to stay. What an idiot. I could write an entire 15 page blog about how stupid he’s playing this game. Why would you ever want to stay on the block and chance being voted out? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Sure, you get a Golden Key if you stay, but why would you want to risk it? And, then he comes up with the great idea that he has no reason to talk to the vets. Great strategy. You’ll get far staying in an alliance of four, turning on your partner in the first week, and not talking to the 5 other people in the house who still have a vote in the house.
At this point in the show, Dick was summoned to the Diary Room. We all know why. Soon, the houseguests start to realize Dick isn’t around. They search for him, talk about conspiracy theories, and wonder if he’s just having an extra long Diary Room session. But when Rachel is called to the Diary Room, they all get the picture that he’s not in the house anymore. Rachel comes out, reads a bland Big Brother statement to the houseguests about him leaving for personal reasons and that Daniele will get a Golden Key since she now has no partner. I’m sure most of you have read the note that Dick posted on his website. In that note, he states that he left because a dear friend of his needed him and that person has always been there for him and that he had no other choice to make but the right one, to leave the game. Case will remain open as to what happened. But, the season rolls on without Dick, who I think was probably going to end up winning this show again had he stayed.
After the vets go up to the HOH Room to discuss what just happened, Brendon learns that Keith was just smiling downstairs about Dick leaving. Cue Bad-Ass Brendon ready to go beat on Keith and start a commotion over a smile. I always find it hilarious when guys get pissed off like that and pretend that their girlfriend can actually physically hold them back. At one point he even said, “Let me go down there.” If you want to go, Brendon, open the damn door and go. You weren’t going to do sh*t, so stop pretending like you were.
After that ruckus, Jeff’s Jerkoffs all talked about how their game is over and they’re done. Jeff works them back up by telling them that it’s only week 1 and it would be stupid to give up now. All they need to do is do their best to win the HOH and continue to work on the newbies in case they don’t win HOH, hoping that they will put up one of their own if they’re offered the right deal. I admit that Dick leaving has definitely hurt the Jerkoffs chances, with them losing 2 competitors in the next HOH competition (one by Dick leaving and the other by Daniele getting the Golden Key and not being allowed to participate), but it’s Big Brother and you have to roll with the punches. But, I think we should all prepare ourselves for a vet duo to be going home next week, possibly Jeff and Jordan since Brendon and Rachel will probably win the veto again after being nominated. Sorry, just my guess.
Keith continues to prove how socially dumb he is by faking jump shots into the bathroom mirror and laughing about Dick leaving the game, all while standing guard of the door for the toilet that Porsche is trying to piss into. Even his newbie teammates weren’t happy about seeing that display (his actions, not Porsche pissing). I’m going to have to track him down once he comes back home and see what his mindset was, because nothing he is doing is making any sense to me.