After she tells us what the unexpected is going to be this season, she introduces us to the first eight houseguests. Let’s run through them the same way Kim Kardashian runs through new faces:
James – an Asian fisherman, who identifies his ethnicity as country. And ends his on-camera time with “I’m gonna win that dang money.” No you’re not, James. No. You’re. Not.
Meg – lives with her “Gusband.” I don’t have anything to say to that.
Jace – an Indiana Jones skater boy. Like I stated before, these houseguests get more ridiculous each season.
Audrey – the first transgender contestant in Big Brother history. Congratulations to Big Brother for capitalizing on the Caitlyn Jenner era. Take from this what you will, but Audrey’s the best looking girl in the house (so far).
Austin – I swear to God, that’s Dan with a beard. I mean, he even has an alter ego named “Judas.” In case you don’t remember, Jerry called Dan “Judas” during their season. I’m not convinced CBS just didn’t have Dan take some steroids, grow some hair on his face, paint some tattoos on his body, and let him back in the house as one of this season’s BB Takeover twists. Forget Judas, Austin will now be known as Jesus Gheesling.
Da’Vonne – They have casinos in LA?
Clay – College football player that probably never played much, but they’ll drum up the “star athlete” story line. Biggest thing I got from his hometown visit is that he lives in a town where they advertise a “Juvenile Curfew in Effect” next to the city limit sign. Dickinson, TX must be a roudy @ss town. Also, after just now googling the population, I’m calling these people out who say they’re from “small towns” and whatnot. Man, there’s almost 20,000 people in Dickinson, TX. Just because you live on a farm and probably don’t have a neighbor right next door doesn’t mean you’re from a small town. These morons here. A small town is like 300 people. 20,000 isn’t small at all. Looks like that juvenile curfew didn’t help keep the stupid out of Dickinson folk.
Shelli – Speaking of spitting images of previous houseguests, anyone else get the Danielle Damato vibe from her? This chick wants to be a “puma,” the 30s version of a cougar. With her line about being judged because of the “blonde hair and oh hey she’s wearing makeup.” Sorry, it’s not the blonde hair that gets girls judged. It’s the stupid. It’s always the stupid.
We run back to Julie, who tells the new houseguests that they’re going to be part of a “history making” 98 days in the house. Shoot Julie, 98 days? What did I get myself into coming back this season to blog? Well there goes more than 3 months of my life…but hey, I get to entertain you folks, so I hope you appreciate my efforts and laugh once or twice! Maybe once we get to day 50 or so, pick up the energy and start reminding me how awesome I am so I keep my energy up for the final 6 months of this show…
Da’Vonne, Shelli, Clay, and Austin are the first into the house. Clay decides to room with the “giant magician,” Austin as both Da’Vonne and Shelli wet themselves after seeing Clay up close.
They roam around the house and find the see-through floor outside of the HoH room. Their first thought is that they shouldn’t wear dresses while being upstairs. My first thought was that there can’t be any secret meetings upstairs anymore, but hey if your mind went straight to your coochie being on display to all those below, more power to you. See…my mind doesn’t always run right to the sex like most people who read this blog probably believe.
Off topic, if you’re new to the blog, get used to the “…” showing up often. And I mean OFTEN. I use that b!tch every day. Don’t hate…
Clay decides to not tell everyone he “played” college football because he doesn’t want to paint a target on his back. Bro, look at you. You’re young, attractive, and built like a damn football player. The target is already painted on your damn forehead if you think leaving out the fact you actually played football will take the target off of you.
Oh, and Clay, Shelli wants the D.
BAD.
The heart murmur thing sealed it, too. The funny thing about being attracted to someone is that we always look for reasons to solidify and justify that attraction. And, the smallest, most absurd things can be used for that justification to turn the attraction into intense feelings. Take for instance, back in college, I was on a train heading home for a weekend, and I ran into a girl who was in one of my classes but not someone I had really spoken to. We struck up a conversation since we both realized we must live nearby each other since we’re heading the same way. Anyway, the ONLY thing I remember about that conversation is her reaction to me when I told her that I DESPISED square pizza. I don’t pretend to be a genius (that’s because I don’t have to pretend, I know I am), but even I could tell from the look in her eyes that me saying that solidified something she was already thinking in her brain. Of course that something was me being awesome, but I’m not trying to brag here or anything. Anyway, long story short, she wasn’t attractive so I didn’t care that she thought I was, but the story still relates here. Square pizza and heart murmurs can make people fall in love.
See…I digress.
After all the intros are out of the way, like in all social gatherings, the guys and girls split up. And we get our first alliance chat of the season. Audrey, Da’Vonne, and Shelli dilly dally around the actual word alliance, but feel a connection with each other enough until they can talk about forming an alliance out loud. And, like every other year, on every reality competition show, we get the girls talking about how they want a girl to win the show. YEAH. F*CKING. RIGHT. That’s day one talk. Let me know how you feel about each other after day 5 or 8 or 35. You’ll all be voting for a man to win. Women always have this bright idea of sticking together, but you all know you can’t stand each other. Women hate other women. Hell, women hate their damn best friends. If you’re a woman, and you’re reading this, and you don’t believe your best friend hates you, I’m sorry to have to burst your bubble but that b!tch hates you the same way every porn star hates their dad. I’m all for a girl winning the show (I see you all shaking your head), but just know if it happens, it won’t be because the other girls want her to.
I’m not sure how I feel about the Battle of the Block being back. I agree that it’s a cool wrinkle to the game that you can earn your way off the block, but I just feel they could have gotten more creative and introduced something new to the game. I’m still petitioning for them to drop the fact that the HoH winner can’t compete in next week’s HoH competition. I want to see that be the new twist. Let them compete and go on a winning spree if they can, a la Survivor. Haven’t they learned from Survivor that it makes things interesting when someone on the outs goes on an Immunity challenge run and forces alliances to vote each other out?!? Come on, CBS! Let’s make this happen…
Yaa Scott, you are back. Let me be your first loyal reader to welcome you and say how glad I am to get to read your blogs again. 🙂 This year, I’m probably foolishly letting my 12 and 10 year old watch with me. I may just let one of them do a recap bc their comments are great. A few observations, John is seriously creepy and we are wondering if he does in fact have a pulse bc he looks about the color of a cadaver that’s been in the morgue a week. But props to him for at least being honest about his profession. My kids and I were all grossed out by Jason’s nasty wet pits (hey Jason, maybe don’t wear a shirt that’s as tight as a pair of spanx and your pits will air out a bit!). I hate to tell Davonne that being the person in the poker game who deals the cards is a crap job and does’t mean you are any smarter than the grocery boy. I really wish they’d brought in a few more interesting Amazing Race players. Like the annoying deaf kid and his mom? But I forget that most people with a real job don’t do this show. Ok that’s all for now. So glad yo are back. We will all suffer through it together. Oh, BTW, I love your suggestion about letting the HOH play the next week, that would be really awesome.
SO glad you are back Scott! I agree with so much of what you said, especially allowing HOHs to vie for HOH the following week.
Here’s to a brand new season of annoying housemates! 🙂
I laughed while reading this entire recap! I agree that this cast is the generic version of many memorable cast members from seasons past. I was shocked that the HG’s will be playing the game for 98 days!?! Oh the paranoia.
Looking forward to the recaps!
Hi Scott! This is the first season I’m reading your blog so I’m looking forward to the rest of your recaps!
First, I’m kinda disappointed in the cast this season. No one seems very interesting or exciting. Hopefully things will get better but if not, I’ll still watch because I love BB!
You are totally right about women hating other women! Has an all woman alliance ever worked in any season of BB?
I’m also all for getting rid of the HOH rule about not playing the following week – if someone there can crush the competition, let them!
OMG, that BB takeover music! HORRIBLE. That needs to be evicted first. I might go nuts listening to that crap for 98 days….
Thanks again for writing the blog!! Thoroughly enjoyed it tonight!
Bonnie
Thanks everyone for the support! I hope to keep you all laughing the entire season.
I’ve been reading a lot about the houseguests playing REALLY hard this early on, so I think they may be coming around and be somewhat entertaining. We shall see.
Glad you’re back! I’ve always enjoyed your recaps and missed reading them the last few seasons!