Big Brother Recap – 6/26/15

And just like that we’re on to our first HoH competition. But first, the houseguests must discuss who will be the one person NOT competing in the competition. Really, Big Brother?!? Someone has to sit out the first HoH? That’s baby talk. Half the people in the house don’t ever want to win the first HoH, so that would be an easy discussion to have, which was proven when Da’Vonne instantly volunteered to sit out, but only if everyone agreed to not nominate her. Sure, Da’Vonne. I’ll see you on the block later this week, dummy! You’ll be back flipping over spades, hearts, clubs, and diamonds to degenerate losers in no time.

Does anyone really care that Kevin Frazier is there? I’m not even going to waste my time with him. Or the lame competition where the whole point of staying on your board doesn’t matter because as long as you hold onto the wall after falling off and climb back onto your board, you can still stay in the competition. In the end, James won in a photo finish since all of the final four contestants fell off at the same time, but his feet touched the ground the last, mostly just because he’s something like 5 feet 2 inches tall and it took him the longest to fall back to the earth. My favorite part about it all is how there has to be “more to James” now because he can catch a ball and place it in the ball holder. Really?!? Just because a man can catch a ball there has to be “more to him?” What about the two girls who made it to the end? Is there “more to them” now because they can also catch a ball? This is just how ridiculous people get when they’re in the house. The paranoia strikes you down the second that door shuts behind you, apparently, and the fact that small country Asian men can catch a ball means he has to be a baseball coach or perhaps played professionally before. This show has been on for far too long – people overthink things way too much. But, we all benefit from it since it makes good television, right?

After the competition ends, Julie has everyone sit down on the couches where she tells them that each week there will be a new twist introduced into the game. She doesn’t give them much other detail than that, so they’re left to wonder what that really means and whether or not each twist stays around the entire game or just for that week. And we’re all left to wonder who the hell at CBS gets paid to come up with that theme music for the BB Takeover!! I’ll never understand how some people get the jobs they get, but whoever came up with that one is either deaf and just chose the first link that showed up in the Google search or is someone’s kid that grandfathered their child into the position.

And lastly, Julie lets us in on the secret twist that only we’ll know about…or that we’ll only know about for the first few weeks until she reveals it to everyone in the house that a set of twins is actually playing the game as one person. And if they make it past five evictions, they earn the right to both enter the house and play as themselves. I know they’ve done this twin twist before, so again, props on the creativity and originality here. Second, I’m not sure I would want this twist if I were in the house. Once the other houseguests find out, they can make you into an easy target. It doesn’t take much in the Big Brother house to get people to turn on you, so something like this would make for an easy way to get you turned on and voted out rather quickly. But, you never know.

And that wraps up episode one. Let me be the king of the segue here and move into episode two…

But before we get to episode two, we have to sit through four minutes of reminder of what JUST HAPPENED last night! Seriously, Big Brother has the worst editing staff of any show ever created. Every episode contains 4-5 minutes of rehashing what happened in the previous episode, ends about 8 minutes before the end of the hour with the final 2 minutes being “eavesdropping” on the houseguests as they most often talk about nothing interesting, tripled up with about 26 minutes of commercials, and another 8 minutes of Julie or the Big Brother Voice reading over rules, regulations, or other filler. So basically, each week we get about 37 seconds of actual Big Brother action. And for some reason we’ve all stuck around for 17 years and will probably be around for another 17 after this. But, let’s hope Big Brother figures this out at some point and gives us more of what we want to see…
Anyway, I digress. Yet again.

We move right into meeting the remaining houseguests. Let me run through this group of characters the same way Scooby-Doo and Shaggy used to run through the 86 doors every hallway of every home of every bad guy seemed to have in that show.

LIZ – Keep bouncing up and down for us, Liz!

JASON – How do you like them apples? A gay Boston accent. Or should I say, a gay, Boston accent?!? Somehow I think I’m right both times. No offense to any of my Boston readers – I really only hate your sports’ teams. But seriously Jason, living in ya mom’s basement ain’t a good look, either. Working at a grocery store and having your own place is A LOT different than working at a grocery store and still staying with your mommy.

VANESSA – Ah, poker players who think the game is more skill than luck. I hate these people. I’m not doubting it takes SOME skill to be good at poker, but good God, I just want some GOOD poker players to admit that God graced them with good luck. I have no luck in this world, but happen to believe I could be pretty good at poker. Problem is I get dealt shit cards 94.2739641% of the time and can’t even bluff my way into winning…so let’s just say I look forward to her losing, thinking she’s all slick…

JOHN – All I want to know is if he ever worked at Dunder-Mifflin. Or The Michael Scott Paper Company. That’s all I want to know – what I DO know is that no woman hears that you’re a dentist and automatically drops their panties for you, bro. Dentist may be the one profession where you make a lot of money but can’t even get a gold digger to date you. Seriously, you ever been to a dentist office and seen family portraits of your male dentist standing next to a Jessica Alba-type? No? Didn’t think so.

BECKY – Trustworthy?!? Becky, Becky, Becky. I like big butts and I cannot lie. So let me tell you truth #1 that all women and SOME men live by – if a girl has big boobs, you can’t trust the b!tch. It’s just the way society is, always has been, and sadly always will be. Sorry dear, but you’re way off on that assessment of yourself. I’m sure EVERY guy you’ve known has told you that they trust you at some point. Probably around date 3. I think we all know what happens from there…

STEVE – Ian 2.0.

So, we have a Jesus Dan in the house, Danielle’s twin (who funnily enough HAS a twin), an Asian Donny, the poorest man’s Dr. Will, a brunette Janelle, the second coming of Ian, the football version of Cody, and a bunch of others that make this casting team look lazier than Farrah Abraham’s attempt at making her sex tape believable enough to pass as a homemade tape of her and her boyfriend having sex.