BIG BROTHER FINALE – 9/15/11

Written by:
Scott Ottersen
Email: ScottOttersen@yahoo.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/ScottOttersen
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It’s the Big Brother finale. 10 evictions, 29 competitions…oh, let’s just get on with it Julie. It’s already late enough and I’m up past my bedtime, so let’s get this show on the road.

The finale starts off with a forty-five minute long recap of the season with the only interesting part being when the Big Brother Voice called Jeff, “Big Jeff.” It was akin to hearing the Movie Phone Voice guy do the voiceover for a porno, “Welcome to Moviephone brought to you by ‘Big Fat C*cks in Big Fat Asses.’”

It feels like it’s been forever since we last watched an episode, so I didn’t even remember where we left off. Plus, I already knew what happened in the final HOH, so it seemed weird that we had to start off by going backwards to Part 1, but then I realized that is where the last show ended.

As soon as Part 1 begins, we already knew Adam was going to lose and be first off. But, he cemented that theory with the way he was holding onto the board they were standing up against. How long do you think you’ll last until your arms go numb when they’re up like that, Adam? Plus, that’s going to put strain on those chunky shoulders of yours. But, he surely made it longer than I thought he would, by lasting 29 minutes. He made some comment about how he wanted to stay strong for Part 2, but that was no excuse. If that were the case, you should have just dropped off after 5 minutes. You tried to win this one, but realized you sucked like you had all season and fell off. Still, after your performance in the HOH you finally won, this was your second best performance of the season.

Also, during Part 1 we find that Porsche was afraid to puke while on camera. Maybe someone forgot to remind her that morning that she was playing a game that could win her $500,000. If someone told me to stay on this spinning contraption for the chance to win $500,000 (or even $50,000), I’d puke all over myself and anyone else that was nearby if I had to. Hell, I’d aim my puke at Rachel so that it may throw her off her game and knock her off. But, alas, this is Porsche and the season of the Biggest Losers Ever, so of course she jumped off and let Rachel win before she ended up puking, which I’m sure she wouldn’t have anyways. That was probably just another excuse Production told her to go with when she “lost.”

After Rachel wins Part 1, CBS cuts to Rachel’s family sitting in the audience and dare I say Rachel has a hot sister!! Watch out now. Maybe the twist next season can be past houseguests family members, starting with Rachel’s sister. Sign me up for that season.

Part 2 of the Final HOH had Porsche and Adam going underwater to stack the faces of the HOH winners, in order. I was a little disappointed that it wasn’t the facial recognition game from past seasons where they mashed together three faces and they had to guess which three houseguests they were. I always liked that competition. Bring it back.

Anyways, Porsche went first when she dropped the bomb on us that she never practiced memorizing things in the house while underwater! No sh*t! You mean to tell me that you went through 70some odd days in a house without ever filling up the bathtub, submerging yourself and trying to remember everything you could? Come on, Porsche, what are you doing with your life! No, seriously though, can whoever works in casting please be fired. I don’t want to have to put up with another season of hearing someone like Porsche drop gems on us like Socrates would if he were still alive. Although, I guess without her people like me wouldn’t have anything to write about.

But, even without having practiced, Porsche seemed to do pretty well. Adam, however, was just Adam. I don’t know how else to explain it. I think this final competition proved that Adam wasn’t throwing any of the earlier competitions, he just really did suck balls that damn much. Hairy balls at that, with lice on them. Why in the world would you, first, take off your goggles when you’re doing an underwater competition where you need to see faces and move them along mazes while submerged? And, second, why the hell would you throw them out of the tank and onto the ground?!? And, third, why would you then waste the time going to get them? You just lost on all three of those levels. Jesus, this guy can’t be for real. Maybe you should stop putting bacon on your bacon and telling people about it on your t-shirts and pick up a baseball and throw it around with some friends. Oh wait, you drink apple martinis and watch 90210 with a bunch of girls, so I guess that won’t help much.

Porsche smoked Adam by a little over two minutes and “earned” herself the right to face off against Rachel in Part 3 of the Final HOH. We all know what competition this will be and we all know Porsche ain’t going to do well. Her reading comprehension isn’t up to par, therefore she won’t be able to answer questions read off to her. Both Rachel and Porsche have final 2 deals with each other, so they both believe they are sitting pretty no matter what happens and who wins. So, of course that means Porsche won’t care since all she’s wanted this whole time is someone else to win and take her along for the ride. At least Rachel understands that she has a better chance at winning if she WINS!!!!

Next, we meet back up with the Jury House where they await the arrival of two more jury members. First in the room, Kalia. Everyone is excited by this except Daniele. After she enters and starts blabbing at the mouth, Jordan walks in and the attention goes to her, and Brendon is a little overly excited about her being there, because he’s then happy that Rachel is in the final 3. I agree with the excitement but the exultation was a little much. At least he apologized.

They sit down and discuss who should win and why. If I were on that jury, this would have been the shortest discussion ever because only Rachel somewhat deserves to even be in the Final 3 compared to the other two dopes. Jordan thinks Rachel played the best game (out of the final 3) and Daniele thinks Rachel was a floater. And, this just proves why I hate that people in the jury decide who wins, because it’s always personal. How Daniele could think Rachel “floated” compared to Porsche and Adam is f*cking ridiculous. I know you’re bitter that you lost and your worst enemy made it to the final, but give me a break with not being able to give credit where credit is due. She played hard, won when she had to, worked alliances, worked over votes, got herself off the block when it seemed apparent she was the target, and yet she “floated.” You may not agree with your dad, but he’s right about you. Hell, even Kalia agreed that Rachel deserved to be in the end. Shouldn’t that tell you something, Dani? But, then Kalia tried to tell everyone that Porsche deserved to win because she won when she had to and was smart about laying low earlier in the season, not placing a target on her back. Uh, she “laid low” alright, it’s called sleeping. You would know, Pajama Pajama.