BIG BROTHER – 9/7/12

Ian tells Dan that he believes he has ADHD. I can agree with that, but think it runs a tad bit deeper than just ADHD. The only reason I am writing about this is because I laughed when I heard Ian talking about this. Not because I think it is funny, but because he was perfectly describing how I feel. I have known for quite some time that I have ADHD. Or, I should say, that I THINK I have it. I cannot sit still. Ever. I cannot concentrate on things when people are talking to me. Thoughts don’t continue in my brain, I go from one right to the other (a huge reason why whenever I respond to emails, I ALWAYS miss one question/comment I wanted to return a comment on). And, that thing he talked about that he feels inside himself when he’s not moving. That is me. I always need to be moving. Not to the extent that Ian does, with rocking back and forth in his chair and whatnot, or swinging on the hammock, but if you ever see me, chances are something on my body is moving. Mostly, I’m bouncing my knee, or wiggling my toes, or wiggling my fingers, just something always has to be moving or I just don’t feel right. So, I feel for Ian, I do, but I don’t think he has just ADHD. There is something else mixed in there, too.

Before the Veto competition started, I just wanted to mention something that I’ve noticed this entire season. Frank is gay. And, his boyfriend is a water bottle. I swear, he has to be f*cking that thing with how much he carries it around. Go back to any point in this season and I’m willing to guarantee you see Frank with that damn water bottle. I know people who work out a lot like to drink a lot of water, but come on now, Frank, you don’t need to carry it with you at all times when you are living in a house you can’t leave!!! It’s ok if that bottle is a few feet away and you need to go grab it after you walk outside and then back inside. You knew you were coming back inside, it would have been ok to leave it on the counter for those few minutes. I know Ian talked about rubbing one out in the HOH room, but I think Frank has rubbed seventeen or eighteen out into that water bottle. As a guy, I get it, though. Not that I’ve jerked off into a ceramic water bottle or anything, just saying that if I’m stranded inside a house for 75 days and I have to find something to attach my penis to, it might as well be a water bottle, right? I had to erase the next two sentences I wrote. To my wife, you are welcome (for erasing what I wrote next). I’m starting to believe that I’m not getting a job because people get my resume, google me, see this blog, read one of them, and quickly delete the sh*t out of my resume before even offering it up to their bosses!! You people should start paying me for this, considering I can’t get a job because of it!!

The good old OTEV competition. One thing I’d like to mention to our good friend Dan is that this is NOTHING like musical chairs. Just because there is one less person moving on to each next round doesn’t make it like musical chairs. If that’s the case, we can say American Idol is like musical chairs. Or, any sports playoffs games are like musical chairs. Or, Big Brother itself. Musical chairs is like musical chairs. You run around a line of chairs, that stand still, while music plays, you wait until that music stops, and you sit the f*ck down. The person without a chair is out. They’re not climbing walls and crawling underneath “barbed wire” to find names on fake ears of corn, dipsh*t.

Anyway, Dan wins! Big deal, right? The only thing I can think of to say is that wouldn’t you assume that through the first 73 rounds of the game, don’t you think Dan or Frank would have seen an “Ashley” (or in Dan’s case, a “JoJo”) ear of corn? I mean, they were both looking around for quite some time, struggling to even find ears of corn to look at, but how many had they looked at before, and they never saw an Ashley before that? I guess there was only one Ashley lying around. That must have been what it was. The funniest thing about Dan finding it was that he didn’t even pick it up and open it, he was standing and looked down, ran a few steps, picked up an ear of corn, and started running with it, almost as if he had known it was there beforehand. I’m not saying production had anything to do with this, but I kind of feel like they made it more dramatic than it truly was, and that Dan had known where the Ashley ear of corn was before the round started, and the round really only lasted 5 seconds, but they had to play up the drama. Just saying. Congratulations, Dan. You are making more and more a convincing case to the jury as to why you should win this season.

After the Veto competition, Dan and Ian make a “Renegade” final two deal. Ian, later, tells Dan that maybe they should take Frank down since he can’t play in the next HOH competition, and they can just get him out then. He backtracks on that, and then tells Dan that he likes the idea of taking Jenn down, acting like he’s pissed about it (to keep everyone else at bay from knowing about their working together – even though Shane & Danielle already know – great secret). Either way, it would be a stupid idea to take Frank off of the block. They can’t be assured of the fact that whoever wins HOH will nominate him, so just get him out when you have the chance, no matter if he can play in the HOH or not. Getting Jenn out diminishes his chances of staying off of the block, because the only houseguest you’d have to worry about at this point is Joe, but we all know Juggles ain’t winning SH*T!!! Sayonara, Frank.

Dan, then takes a sloppy, wet sh*t from his mouth, while talking to Jenn. Yes, it probably played him up well in her mind, and made him yet another semi-alliance in the house, but from where he was sitting (and where Jenn was sitting), they were already working together so none of this was necessary. It was just for America to “see” just how great Dan was at this game. Let’s all ogle at how great Dan is for another three minutes while he tells Jenn he won’t pay a bill before he repays a debt, or however the hell the quote went at the Veto ceremony, when he takes Jenn off of the block.

One last thing I want to mention is that I would like to know if Dan ever studied martial arts. If not, I take offense to him wearing that headband and bowing to his opponents. I studied martial arts as a kid and always wish I had stuck with it as I got older, but I wanted to have sex with women so I quit and started focusing more on sports. I probably should have stuck to martial arts, because at least then I would be able to whip people’s @sses more, because it’s not like sports got me laid left and right like the movies promised! Anyway, I need to look into whether or not he studied the arts or not. Enough about my personal endeavors in life. Let’s just move on to Thursday’s double eviction episode.

Before we do that (you didn’t think you were getting off that easy, without me going on some tangent, right), I wanted to say that I did have myself a drink while watching this episode. But, more importantly, I TRIED to talk myself into enjoying this season from here on out. I really told myself that this was just a game show, and that I write a blog about it that thousands of people read, and that I should just have fun watching it. So, I decided I was going to try and join Team Dan. I was going to try and watch the show from the perspective of someone who enjoys the sight of Dan, thinks he’s a genius for all the plans production feeds him, and even laughs at all the non-funny things he yells into the f*cking camera in each of his diary room sessions. I really talked myself into this before the show started, because it’s typically at this point of the season when I want to STOP watching the show because there is just nobody left that I even care to see win $500,000. For me, watching this show is like watching the New England Patriots make it to the Super Bowl each year. Yes, they never win it (anymore, it seems), but it still completely sucks to watch them even get that far!

It took all of two seconds until I realized I couldn’t do it. The first note I wrote down, without even thinking about what I just told myself, was “F*ck you, Julie, it was NOT the biggest move in Big Brother history.” But, I do agree with Julie that Dan is running the game at this point. He won the game as soon as they let the coaches enter as players, so it only seems right that we all just admit that he’s running the house now. Just direct deposit the money into his account now, and we’ll all wait for 3-4 years until we hear about how he’s a wife-beater, or how he molests young men in the showers, runs a drug ring through his catholic church, or whatever it is he’s going to end up in jail for…