It’s our first live eviction show and I’m coming to you from the laptop with the f*cked up “i” button. You never quite realize how often you use a certain letter on the keyboard until one of them breaks. I type fast, so it’s annoying to be three words ahead and realize the “i” you just typed didn’t click. You should all feel loved by me that you’re blog sn’t comng to you lookng lke ths. You are welcome.
Anyway, day 13 in the house and someone has already been sent home, so it kind of feels as if this isn’t the first eviction. It’s between Frank and Kara, who do you think is going home? Hell, why am I even asking, I’m pretty sure there are about 3 of the 2,107,434 people who read this blog who haven’t watched the show, so you all already know: It’s….just kidding, I won’t ruin it for you 3 folks. But, seriously, I suggest watching the show and THEN reading my blog. Some things are funnier that way. And for the last time I’m not doing an FAQ link on my blog and I don’t care why the f*cking driveway is always wet. Seriously, people, the driveway isn’t even wet, it’s just premium asphalt that has a slickness to it that keeps it appearing wet.
Oh wait, wrong show…my bad.
We head back to the Veto Ceremony, when Shane didn’t use the Power of Veto on Frank or Kara. Do you blame the guy? Why would he have used it on either of these people? It’s too early to be using the Veto on someone. But, what isn’t the right move is going up to the guy you just didn’t save and saying, “Sorry man, it’s in my best interest.” Goodness, call your douche and bag it up for a night. You just signed this guys death wish in a race for half a million dollars and you want to take that time to rub it in by saying it was in your best interest? Do you think he doesn’t already know that, f*ckwad? No, really, you’re a wad of f*ck for doing that, Shane. Ok, ok, I’m being too harsh. I’m only kidding here, but really, he could have cooled it with that comment. Frank and Kara already knew the odds of you using it weren’t in their favor, so just say sorry, give them a hug, tug on Freakshow’s penis and squeeze Kara’s butt cheek and let’s move on.
Frank runs to Willie and tells him that he still wants to work with him. Willie agrees that he wants to work with Frank, too, and tells Frank that if he turns on him, he’d vomit. Yes, a grown man actually just said that to another grown man and seemingly didn’t mean it in a joking manner. It’s almost as if we can expect to see Willie vomit, on cue, at some point in this season, when Frank turns on him. My best guess, judging from the live feeds, is that time is coming VERY SOON!! Someone get the puke bucket. Or Ian’s shoe.
Britney talks about how she hears angels whenever Dan speaks and how great he is at this game (even though he lost the first challenge, had to send one of his players home, got a second of his players nominated after the first HOH competition, and all signs point to his player being voted out no matter what Dan tries to do, but yes, he’s AWESOME at this game…someone kick Britney out of the house, please). That scene just made me puke.
Janelle, thinking that she needs to get in good with the guy who is soon going to be down to one player left, and soon after gone from the house, goes and talks to Dan and tells him that everyone wants to save Frank. She is telling him how stupid everyone is for wanting to do that, even though she’s one of the ring leaders of the movement/idea. For me, I don’t think this was a great move by Janelle. If you’re planning on getting rid of the guy, you don’t really need to buddy up with him. He is going to know that once his player is voted out, you were lying to him, so why bother with the niceties? I was a bit puzzled by this move, especially since Britney was standing ten feet away from them during this conversation. I know Janelle was having some issues with the B to her J, but teaming with Dan didn’t seem like the obvious next best move to make. Right in front of Britney. If Britney were smart, she’d have gone to Boogie and teamed up with him and his three players and packaged an alliance to rival Dan & Janelle’s “teams.” I know the Big Brother production staff made a big deal to tell all of the houseguests in their diary room sessions that they weren’t on a “team,” but just had a “coach” and they could vote out their own “teammates,” but for all intent and purposes, they’re on a team. Did CBS not think this was going to happen when they TOLD THE PLAYERS THEY HAD COACHES?!? What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word “coach?” You think of his TEAM. Stupid CBS. Jesus, I really do feel as if common sense is dead these days. Am I the only one who thinks common and sensically anymore?
Britney then, smartly, goes and tells the most volatile person in the house (Willie) that she thinks the coaches are going to come back into the game at some point and play alongside the remaining houseguests. First off, if that happens, you may not get a blog from me for that first episode when it happens. I’ll probably be too pissed off to write about it. If anything, it would be a picture of my middle finger with the letters “C” “B” and “S” below it. In all honesty, she makes some fair points in how the coaches have key slots next to their pictures on the memory wall, and how jury is typically 9 people (maybe I have a terrible memory, but I always thought it was 7) and that meant jury would start after the second eviction, and that seemed too early because apparently they were all told it was going to be after the 4th (I couldn’t understand quite what she meant with the whole “two missing weeks” thing she said). I get where her thinking is forming from, but CBS already made the point of telling us, the coaches, and the players that the coaches were playing a seperate game, and were playing for a $100,000 prize, not for the same $500,000 prize the players were vying for. All I know is that I hope she’s wrong. That is all I have to say about that. It would be completely stupid (and unfair) to just let the coaches enter the game at some later date when the game has already been going on, and they know all these different things abou all these different players’ strategies. Don’t do it, CBS. I implore you.
Next up, we got the scene where Willie calls a house meeting for everyone except the coaches. I liked Triple D’s comment about how if that was one of his players, he would have nixed that before it happened. Uh, sorry, dipsh*t, you chose Double D, Saggy D, and See Ya B*tch as your team, so none of them would ever even think that something like this was an idea, let alone a smart one. Somehow, that kind of seems like it’s still a dig at The Notorious R.I.B. rather than the members of Dan’s team, which I guess it’s somewhat meant to be, too.
Anyway, Willie tells everyone to stop playing their coach’s game and to start playing their own. That they are the players and the coaches aren’t playing in the same game they are. I understand his idea behind all of wanting to do this, but saying all of this in front of everyone was such a majorly, ridiculously, spectacularly, stupid idea. Does he think that everyone in the house is thinking the same way he is? Does he think everyone in the house is on his side? Does he think that everyone will NOT go right downstairs and tell their coach? He truly proved his idiocy with calling this meeting and, basically, telling everyone that they are acting like idiots and how they shouldn’t listen to their coach and should play their own game. It was only like day 8 or 9 at this point and he was already cracking to the point where he wanted to call everyone in the house out! We’re in for it with this guy this season. And, the worst thing about it is that CBS is sitting in their offices, smoking their cigars, laughing it up, thinking the Hantz family has done it again. I think they have one more brother in the family, so I’m guessing that idiot is going to be taking over for Drew Carey as the host for The Price Is Right. No, the price is wrong, b*tch.
I’m starting a new petition in the comments for “Keep the Hantz Family Off Of TV Shows I Watch.” If you want to sign it, just leave a comment saying “Signed” and I’ll know you’re with me. I’m dead serious. Ask a lawyer, it will hold up in court. Let’s put an end to seeing these jokers on our TV screens any longer. Unless it’s Russell on Survivor, I don’t want to see it.
“and Frank treated that slot as if it was JoJo’s “slot” and he wanted nothing to do with making his money shot.” ahhahahahahaha! See, I laughed out loud instead of lol 😉
As for the missing two weeks, I think she was count back from the total number of weeks on the show 12 or 13? So she’s saying with only 11 people left (and there is usually a double eviction week, so 10) that there was 2 weeks missing in the season. I might have my numbers slightly off, but that’s what I got out of it.
I think on the next eviction week you should double your jeremiah weed….its the only way to make it through sometimes!
Great column!
Ok I’m sorry, but as a 22-year-old who’s been maneuvering around the dating world for a few years now, I gotta ask – Please elaborate on the difference between a dick and a douche… I’m intrigued. 🙂
I dunno, I feel like there is a decent chance any of the coaches would trade players for Shane, not just Dan. I think it could be an interesting twist. I’m really curious if Willie can get himself out of the hole he dug for himself. Should be an interesting week!
ALSO, I know this is a stupid question, but my roommate wants to know: Were those burglar scenes filmed before they even entered in the house? A different night? That night?
@stina, the best advice I can give you about the difference between a dick and a douche is to be a lesbian.
No, in all honesty, it’s hard to tell the difference between a dick and a douche, but it’s just something you can see in a guy after getting to know him. I can’t write rules down and have that be the end all, be all. If I could, I’d be a millionaire, making love connections and preventing women all over the world from wasting their times with the dickfaces they are currently dating. The best I can offer you is to just ask your guy friends what they think and tell them to be honest…
As for the burglar, they were in the house when they taped those scenes. They were on backyard lockdown when the burglar went through the house.
i think a dick is someone who is an all out jackass and its just basically his personality…however a douche is gonna be more of someone who will change his personality to get ahead for the moment.
SIGNED
Scott, you will give yourself an aneurysm if you keep being amazed at the level of stoopid (players, coaches, network execs)
Heres what I think–when interviewing potential houseguests, they administer an IQ test. If they pass, theyre shown the exit door If they just fail, they get set up to look like the geniuses of the show and if they fail miserably, they are given a production staff of 3-one to write cue cards for them, one to help them pronounce the words on the cue card, and one to be around and point out where the bathroom, DR, and outside doors are.
Shane falls into the last category of contestant – I hope the rocker chick hides his tweezers so we can see him flip out using all the one syllable words that he can pronounce on the cue card that will be written for him. I have a feeling the spray-tanologist will come out looking like the genius and win. And this grand idea of coaches…what a pathetic attempt at ratings grab.
@godmudda….LMAO…..DITTO!!
Oh….and I forgot…..Signed!
@ALLWOMEN a “dick” is a guy who is a bit of a jerk and will annoy you on many occasions, but still loves you and wants you to be happy. Although, he might/WILL put his feelings ahead of yours. A “Douchebag,” or “Tool” is a guy who will do whatever it takes to manipulate a girl into doing whatever he wants with no thoughts of the emotional repercussions. A “Douche” is one tiny step below pimp.
Now onto this season. I thought the coaches “twist” was great, at first. But after watching the 1st few episodes, it’s completely lost me. I kinda like the idea, but it would be better if they lived in their own “Coacha Cabana”(Tm pending) and could only interact with their players in the Diary Room, the HOH, or the one competition they actually matter.
I loved your comment about how they are stealing ABC’s tactic of recycling Bachelor/ette contestants. I thought the same thing when CBS was trying to sue ABC over Glass House. ABC should’ve countered that CBS has been stealing their idea of using past “participants.” Of course, MTV could’ve sued everyone in that case.
Liked your blogs last year. This year, not so much. Not sure if its the material that you have to work with is much worse or your trying too hard. But, don’t try so hard. When you’re more natural, it’s funnier.
@lucky,
I would like to hear more about why you dislike this years blog compared to last year. I can promise you that I am not “trying” too hard. Making fun of these idiots comes naturally to me. I know my style is not for everyone, but if you liked me last year, I would like to know what it is I am not providing you so far this year. Am I not coming through on the sexist, a-hole side of things?
Holy cr@p, Willie Hantz has been booted from Big Brother!
Apparently he went psycho after Janelle won the coach competition and assigned him & the rest of Britney’s team as Have-Nots.
Word is that Willie then barged into the HOH room and claimed that he was going to get himself turfed from the show, then threw indecent insults at several people (including calling Janelle the c-word), tossed pork rinds at Janelle, kicked a door or two, then indulged in some gratuitous personal violence (apparently head-butting Joe more than once), and was finally escorted from the BB premises/off the show. Wow – he’s done his family proud, hasn’t he?
Yeah, I have read about the Willie incident and heard the rumors. I want to see what CBS shows us tomorrow night.
I hope they show the entire meltdown if what I’m reading is true!
I saw a theory that the coaches reenter the game once all their players are gone. If that’s true, it could actually be an interesting twist once revealed. It would shake up the house and alliances because none of the players would be able to trust their own coach.